Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Three Years Later...

After three years it's still difficult for me to think of myself as single. I guess that just means I don't feel different than I did when I was married. He's just not here anymore.

I still wear my wedding ring, and I hate to tick that single box when filling out forms at the doctor's office, so I usually leave it blank.  Of course there are some offices that still have the dreaded "widow"  box and that's not getting a tick from me either.

You may think I'm in denial, that I haven't accepted my husband's death, but believe me, I know he's gone. One thing I know for sure is that I will never see him again in this life. I saw him suffer for months, and I was there when he passed.  Yes, he is gone.

Believe me, the last three years have been a struggle, and through God's grace alone, I have survived.

I will never forget those early months of experiencing all my "FIRSTS." My first doctors appointment alone (he always drove me), my first trip to the grocery store, the first Christmas, his birthday. Those were days of stress, pain in my chest, and sometimes uncontrollable sobbing.

Other things I struggled through were:

Seeing older couples holding hands. I couldn't help but ask God why I didn't get to be that couple.

Being alone at night. The nights were long and sleepless.

Trying to figure out what to make myself for dinner! Sound crazy to you? After spending my life cooking for kids or a husband, it was hard to figure out what I liked. It also seemed like a waste of time to cook for one person. So,  I lost a little weight. 

Getting yard work done. I didn't know the first thing about negotiating with landscapers, but I soon learned.

Making all the financial decisions myself. Who was I going to blame if I lost money? 

Getting the car repaired. I called my sons many times to ask questions and make sure a repairman wasn't trying to scam me.

Having medical procedures. I hate being asked "Do you have a driver?" or "Is anyone with you today?"

Going for a walk alone. It took me a year to be able to go for a walk alone.

I think the toughest part was losing my best friend. I miss the little things; just riding in the car with him, or sitting out on the patio laughing and listening to his twisted sense of humor. 

I'm learning to live without him. I'm learning to just be me. I guess maybe that's what it is to be single. Just being myself.

Thank you God,
That the memory of Paul's death 
and his suffering 
have dimmed
pain is no longer
my constant companion.

"But one thing I do, forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on..."
Phil 3:13-14


  1. Bless your heart!

    Love that photo of you two.

    God's strength sees us through each and every day of this journey. Our husbands are with Him and one day our reunion will be reality, and we will live forever together with our Great Creator and Love of our souls, Jesus.

    Happy Easter week ~ Your post has encouraged me ~ Thank you.


  2. Thank you FlowerLady Lorraine,
    You have encouraged me also!
    Have a Blessed Easter, and press on!

  3. P.S. I want to say that I still wear my wedding ring too, as I still feel married and look forward to our reunion whenever it happens. I don't like having to check the widow box either.

  4. I read your guest blog at Widows Christian Place and it really touched me, so went to your blog and read a lot of your posts. My husband died from pancreatic cancer also. A terrible disease. I am just now at one year since his passing and in some ways I seem to be adjusting but it still hurts so much. A lot of what you say is my feelings exactly. It is encouraging to read thoughts of those who are down the road, but it really becomes apparent that there is no quick fix to this. I trust God for what He has done but it is so hard to live the day to day reality of life without the love of my life. We had nearly 37 years together and it just wasn't nearly enough! thank you for the encouragement that you offer. May the Lord bless you and continue to be your strength and companion in your lonely times!

    1. Thank you so much for your encouragement. I'm sorry that your husband had to suffer through pancreatic cancer and that you lost him too soon also. I asked myself many times "how long would have been enough time?" Would I have been content with 40 years or 50 years? I don't think 50 years would have been enough time for me to say "Ok, I had him long enough Lord, now he's yours." Letting go of the person we love is not that easy. The Lord will be with us and bring us though this journey. I pray that the Lord will give you peace that passes all understanding and fill your mind with unspeakable joy.

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