Sunday, July 27, 2014

Jumping the Hurdles

As I sit in the hard backed chair smelling the grease and oil of the garage and listening for my name to be called, I'm thinking of how much I hate to take my car into a repair shop by myself.

I have heard many people refer to the first several months of bereavement as a time of "Firsts." It may be the first time you go to your favorite restaurant alone, or visit a friend or a family member without your spouse, or anything you enjoyed doing together that you now face alone. After 28 months, I have gotten through most of those "firsts" and I can tell you that there are still things that I just don't like to do alone. 

Sometimes I feel like a runner who can't cross the finish line until he jumps the hurdles. They may seem to be little things to some, but still, they are hurdles that have to be jumped.

For years I had a monthly doctor's appointment across town that my husband drove me to and we would take an alternate way home stopping for lunch, shopping, site seeing, or whatever spur of the moment thing we decided to do for the day. 

I had an appointment with the that doctor very soon after my husband passed away and it was my "first" time driving myself. I listened to the radio and tried to keep my mind occupied, but as soon as I walked in the doctors office I started sobbing, explaining all that had recently happened. I don't think he was used to this kind of thing happening, because he wrote me a prescription for a medication to calm me down. I eventually did calm down and got into the car to drive home but couldn't even decide which way to go. I finally decided to take the fastest route, no stopping, just crying, all the way home. 

Fast forward a couple of years and I was having a procedure with another doctor across town that was my husband's doctor and my doctor. This time I needed a driver. I called a friend but she had a appointment at the same time. My sister in law was out of town. My son's were all working. My daughter was willing to take me, but my grandson was sick and I didn't want him waiting in the waiting room when he was feeling ill. 

It wasn't a requirement for me to receive sedation, so I decided I would keep the appointment and have the procedure without it.  

When I got to the office, they took me in and the first question the nurse asked was "are you getting sedation today?" I said "No," but I wasn't feeling calm about it.  When I got into the procedure room, the doctor came in, and knowing my situation, he asked me, "Donna, do you have a driver today?" Again, I said "No."  Each time I answered these questions I felt a little more nervous.  Then he said "Okay, I don't want to  put too much numbing medication in your hip or you won't be able to drive home."
I thought "GREAT! THAT'S JUST GREAT!  Why don't you just give me a shot of whiskey and a bullet to bite down on?" For a moment I thought this might end up being another breakdown at the doctor's office, but I made it through. I may have teared up a little, but it was a far cry from the first emotional scene at the doctor's office.

I've moved forward from where I was two years ago. 

One of the toughest things about being a widow is facing these hurdles alone. But like a runner, with practice they get easier. 

Now as I sit at the repair shop waiting for my car, I realize with every experience I'm getting better at jumping these hurdles alone. Maybe the next time I won't even hate sitting here. Maybe.


1 comment:

  1. Oh boy, does this hit home! I totally relate to your post and doing things alone. I went into Home Depot the other day and nearly lost it. It was a place we enjoyed going to together as we bought materials for various projects we were working on. The first time I went in there after losing my husband I did cry. I did a LOT of crying in the beginning. But as you say it does get easier to do these things as time goes by.

    Love and hugs ~ FlowerLady